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This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things On Christmas. This Is Priceless.

This lady wanted to throw a Christmas party, but the trouble she encountered while attempting to do so will make you shake your head in dismay. She thought it would be a good idea to have a christmas party. But she never expected this. Interoffice Memo from Jackie Smith, Human Resources Director December 1 Re: Christmas Party

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I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

FROM: Jackie Smith, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

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In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time.

FROM: Jackie Smith, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Al-coholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

FROM: Jackie Smith, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

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What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and s-ex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps Luigi’s can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party, as the days are so short this time of year or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Did I miss anything?

FROM: Jackie Smith, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice…what do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? regulations at Luigi’s prohibits the burning of sage by our “earth based Goddess worshipping” employees, but we’ll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band’s . Okay???

FROM: Jackie Smith, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

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People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of “Santa” does happen to be “Satan.” There is no evil connotation to our own “little man in a red suit.” It’s a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or hearts on Valentine’s Day. Could we lighten up?

FROM: Jackie Smith, Human Resources Director

DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians??? I’ve had it with you people! We’re going to keep this party at Luigi’s Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of ,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your 460/0AA8t*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes … but you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I’ve heard them scream, I’m hearing them scream right now!

FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 14
RE: Jackie Smith and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Jackie Smith a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay

The Article “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things On Christmas. This Is Priceless.” Was First Published On “hrtwarming.com”

Written by Diana

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